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Boris Yeltsin |
Foot in mouth: occupational disease of our politicians
Gerald Isaaman dips into Matthew Parris’ compelling compendium of political nonsense
Mission Accomplished: things politicians wish they hadn’t said.
By Matthew Parris and Phil Mason, JR Books £8.99
GORDON Brown made a faux pas during question time in the House of Commons last week, and had opposition MPs screaming with schoolboy delight when he appeared to suggest that he had “saved the world” from economic turmoil.
And, of course, that’s what hit the headlines, no doubt because politicians are treated as comic figures only worth mentioning by the media in scandalous situations.
Was it ever thus? Yes, to a point. When you dip into this compelling compendium of political nonsense uttered over the centuries, many of the quotes are the only record of past brave attempts to change the world for the better.
Indeed, King Canute is a typical example. He never said he could turn the tide, but the spin doctors of his day turned the waters of contempt against him – and his reputation has suffered ever since.
But, as it’s Christmas, let’s enjoy a giggle over some of the political blunders collected with such glee by former Tory MP Matthew Parris, a bit of a king of the smirk himself, and his civil servant friend Phil Mason. Too many, perhaps, don’t meet the mark, except to bulk out the book, which is divided into a dozen different and differing sections.
People do love a joker, so London mayor Boris Johnson undoubtedly fills that category. “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3,” he announced at the last general election. Maybe that’s why Humphrey Lyttelton insisted: “Boris Johnson is known as the thinking man’s idiot.”
Tory PM Lord Home declared: “I would never do anything to deride the profession of politics – although I think it is a form of madness,” and even Gordon Brown admitted: “There are only two types of Chancellor – those who fail and those who get out just in time.”
John Major revealed: “I know a great deal more about the world today than I ever did in government”, no doubt a reminder of the time he asked Boris Yeltsin to tell him what the situation was like in Russia. “Good,” replied Boris. And, asked to be more expansive, added: “Not good.”
Norma Levy, the call girl involved in the Lord Lambton scandal, didn’t feel that way. “I always vote for the Tories,” she said. “They are my best clients.”
There are simple silly errors, such as President Nixon going to Paris for the funeral of President Pompidou and declaring: “This a great day for France”, and James Callaghan visiting Oslo, Norway, for a banquet and offering the toast: “To His Majesty the King of Sweden.” Plus former Camden politician turned Cabinet minister Peter Brooke revealing: “The future has yet to come.”
Going back to the 19th century, Disraeli pointed out: “A Conservative government is an organised hypocrisy”, and earlier, Louis XVI of France believed “The French people are incapable of regicide”.
Prime Minister George Canning prophesied: “I do not think it would be politics or for the interest of the country to have this House quite subject to popular control”, while dictator Stalin was closer to the point by revealing: “A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.”
You can go on and on, especially when it comes to Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair and George W Bush, not forgetting Prince Philip too, who are among the most quoted, but, in essence, this is a fun book destined for chuckles galore emanating from the loo.
In Paris to mark General de Gaulle’s retirement, Dorothy Macmillan asked Madame de Gaulle: What are you looking forward to now?
“A penis,” she replied, General de Gaulle politely interrupting to point out: “I think the English don’t pronounce the word quite like that. It’s not ‘a penis’, but ’appiness.” |
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