Never mind three Lions, we need 11 Theo Walcotts!

Published: 9 September, 2010
THE CROW

ARSENAL
SUPER Theo Walcott. Runs fast. Shoots. Scores goals. Arsenal hero, England hero.

Maybe if there were more England players like him – committed, earnest, doesn’t buy bunk-ups – the national team wouldn’t be so despised by their own fans.

I remain unimpressed.

Beating Bulgaria and Switzerland doesn’t make up for the World Cup farce and being biffed by the Germans.

In fact, lock me in a room with a TV when England are playing and I’ll switch to anything else.

You name it, Phil Mitchell rolling around like a constipated walrus in his EastEnders crack den, one of the 18 programmes on cable channels every night about obese kids which make you feel better about that Twix at lunch, or that no-laughter-track-here Curb Your Grandma’s House thing with Simon Amstell. Anything.

Put on University Challenge, even though the questions are just a made up jumble of incoherent words (that’s how I hear them).

Dave versus Life. Iggle Piggle having a waz on In The Night Garden. James Corden.

All of these terrible* things are better than watching an England match right now.

It would be all right if it was a team of Theos – but it’s not. I mean look at [NAME REMOVED DUE TO SUPERINJUNCTION] and his [CUT CUT CUT – LEGAL DEPT]. Unwatchable. Bring on Holby City.

*Terrible in this case means the writer is not the target audience, apart from In The Night Garden.
RICHARD OSLEY

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TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
IT amuses me how much time Arsenal fans dedicate to talking about Spurs.

Personally I don’t watch interviews with Arsene Wenger, why would I? He never sees anything, and what he does manage to catch is always the other team’s fault.

To be brutally honest I’m not really interested in what anyone from the Emirates has to say.

The connoisseur in me loves watching the style of football Arsenal can play but, a bit like Groundhog Day, there’s no end product.

Some Gooners act like their team’s the be-all-and-end-all of British football, which is a bit of an oxymoron in itself. 

The fact is that for the last six years they’ve won nothing except the pre-season Emirates Cup, a trophy they amusingly celebrate winning with great gusto.

I believe Gooners spend their time talking about Spurs because it hides the problems in N5.

What better way to pack up your troubles than to constantly go on about the failings of your local rivals? So I suggest all you gossip-mongers pay attention to your own team’s ever-lingering problems.

Hey, maybe you could look on YouTube for a goalkeeper or a midfield maestro whose heart is really into playing for you? Throwing stones at glass houses comes to mind and no matter how pretty the football is, the crack in the Gunners’ armoury is being made from the inside. 
TONY DALLAS